Friday, June 30, 2006

A Short Note.

"Mike, my apartment smells funny."
"Look, with the amount you drank, I'm not surprised."
"It's not that - it's a barnyard-like smell. It's odd. And I dreamed a very small goat was eating my hair."
"Ohhh-kayy. See my comment about the drinking."
"Cripes, Logan. Well, there's only one thing to do."
"Drink more?"
"You are correct, my overgrown friend."
Ahh, sweet predictability. We'll be in and out over the weekend. You have a good holiday, too.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Things That Go Boom and Hop

First a note to Elliot - why yes, that may have been the error. The Phantom Bomber thanks you.
Ok, and this is why I skipped yesterday, no lie - I found a rabbit. I'm not kidding you, a freaking rabbit. Someone dumped their pet bunny in the park! How screwed up is that? Sheesh, so I call the Aspca and they tell me the thing's not sounding too adoptable, so I get online at work - I put it in a drawer, and let me tell you, I'm glad it wasn't my desk, because it chewed and pooped on everything - and found a rabbit rescue organization. They asked me if I could hang onto it until after the 4th, and I said sure. I mean, it's only a few days.
I took him to his temporary home, and he made a rabbity mess and hopped under the bed. Man. That's gonna be a real pain in the butt to deal with. Poor Munch....what? Oh, hell NO, it can't stay at my place. I'll just take Munch out drinking and tell him if he sees a rabbit in his apartment he's going crazy. Hey, it worked with the squirrells.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

For the Record

Let us make one thing perfectly clear between us: Nobody knows how that fire started on the roof of One Police Plaza. Capice?
Apparently the security cameras were taken out in the blast, which means we will never ever catch the person or persons who did it.
I understand that the Chief of Detectives is upset about the sprinkler systems going off in his office while he was in there. I do know that many high-ranking people were inconvenienced, flustered, and soaked.
I assure everyone that my pants leg was set aflame in an entirely unrelated incident, as the staff of Wang's Discount Sushi will glady attest.
That is all.

Monday, June 26, 2006

All Work and No Play Makes Mike...

Really frickin' bored.
I am done with my work today, unless I dig into the cold cases, or do someone else's work...and that made me throw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it. No, no extra work for me, thanks.
Bored, so bored. La la la, no interesting stuff on this website, none on that...HEY, that one's blocked? Since when? I need to do research, dammit!
Crap. Maybe I'll just sit here and read wikipedia. The whole damn thing, that is.
Oh, look. This site shows you how to make fireworks at home! Or at work, one presumes, assuming you have access to the required chemicals. My, my, my. These *do* look like the sort of thing you'd find in a well-stocked lab, not unlike the lab here, which has always struck me as being well-stocked.
I'll be back. Just stretching my legs, not doing anything suspicious...

Friday, June 23, 2006

More Grumbling

I decided that stress makes me tired. I phoned in sick after waking up late, and...I didn't tell you, did I? Right after the last post, the power blew in the building. I hate that. It's not only that it gets loathsomely hot, it's also that I think some really stupid stuff. Like when the computer went blooey, and I sat there in the dark, I thought Oh, well, I'll go watch TV. Wait, power's out. Ok, maybe a DVD. Yes, I can be that dumb when frustrated.
And this is the LAST time I ask Munch to help me clean the place up. He just puts things in bags and stuffs them in the spare room. I tripped over the bazillion bags while looking for the booklight I bought during *last*& summer's outages. For a minute I wondered why I had so much junk, like that second booklight I bought and left in the hallway - and so I ran back out there...but you guessed it. Bagged randomly and stuffed somewhere in the pile.
I can't read comfortably by candlight, even with the large candle that I bought the day before on a total about timing, hunh? So I went to a bar, Mona's, if you must know, and drank in the air-conditioning until they closed, then came home and fell asleep on my roof. Ergo, I did not hear the alarm when it didn't go off.
Carolyn called, though. I only mentioned that I'd had a crap day, and I think she did, too. While it sucks that we had a lousy time, it's nice to know she understands grouchiness.

Thursday, June 22, 2006


Sorry I'm late with the post again. This time, I have an even better excuse. I met up with a friend of mine - no one you know - and ended up having a yelling argument with one of their friends. Nice. This is why I dislike large groups. There's always one person there who seems to single me out as the person who's most likely to rise to the bait, and I don't know why, but I do.
I've had minor clashes with this friend-of-a-friend before, and I've tried hard to be cool with them. We don't agree on politics? No, that's ok, but I'll hear you out. Religion? Fine, we can agree to disagree. We both like the same book? Great! Let's talk about books instead.
But nooooo, instead, today, you want to argue. Fabulous. You know what? This, I don't need. Look, you may think you've hidden the attitude well, but you didn't.
I think I crossed the line when someone said, "Hey, Mike, it's not personal" and I answered with "It is now. Go F@#K yourself."
This is why I tell people I have loads of friends, but I don't like very many of them.
I'm going back in my cave.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Tuesday, Again

I should maybe just say I don't blog on Mondays. If I work on Mondays, I can pretty much skive off the rest of the week, and that, my friends, is a prospect which appeals to me greatly.

So, I didn't get a lot done this weekend except seeing X-Men 3 again. I still can't figure out what's up with Wolverine's hair or his pants, and I've decided I'm not even gonna try. I also tried to get caught up on the old DVR list...I watched the last five episodes of Conviction and I mean that literally, since it got cancelled. It's a shame, really. I blame David E. Kelly, because he's really pissed all over the lawyer show genre like a dog marking its territory. Not that I like lawyer shows to begin with - I know lawyers;[p I just don't see the fascination.

Oh, but Elliot? I finally finished Anansi Boys and I have to say I was pretty happy with it. We really do need to go on that adventure.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

It's the End of the World As We Know It

But I feel fine. Munch is another story. It turns out he went to this swanky restaraunt to treat himself - he claims that nobody can truly enjoy an overpriced meal unless they eat alone, because otherwise, there's too much pressure to enjoy yourself - and while he doesn't bat his eye at a $8 scoop of ice cream served in a martini glass, the appetizer was too much, even for him.

"Twenty. Dollars. For a [expletive deleted] pretzel!" He was still incoherent with rage three days later.
"Must've been some pretzel, then, hunh?"
"How would I know? I didn't stoop to their level! I'm not falling for their designer snack food! That's what's wrong with this city - no, this country, hell with it, this is the downfall of western civilization."
"It's just a preztel, John." I shouldn't have said that.
"That's the whole point! Don't you see..." That's when I held the phone away from my ear for awhile. I disticntly heard the phrases "marxist economics," "grey aliens" and "cuba libre" - I didn't ask why. I sat there for twenty mintues, and when I heard, "automat," I knew he was winding down, so I told him I'd talk to him tomorrow.
The worst part is, I'm not sure I got the name of the restaraunt, and now I really wanna try this pretzel. I mean, for $20? That's gotta be some pretzel, right?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I Skipped Monday

Yes, I did, and I don't regret it at all. I told Carolyn I was ready to paint eyes on my eyelids to see if anyone would notice, and she just snorted and said I'd been watching the Pirates of the Carribean trailer too many times. As if that were at all possible.
I spent the weekend searching my apartment, up, down, over and under. I now have exactly zero overdue books. I count that as a great moral victory. I also found where KD hid my porn. I assure you, that had nothing to do with why I didn't write my post. Maybe.
In related news, I have broken out my blender in honor of summer. Now, admittedly, the beer slurpee was ill-advised, but I still think it can be done. For the moment, I shall stick with traditional frozen drinks...except I have this nifty recipe for frozen vodka lemonade, and I *think* I can make an artic snakebite...ok, so it's just going to be a repeat of last summer's disasters, but I drink all the mistakes anyway, so there's no alcohol going to waste.
And Munch needs to stop calling me, because the sky is not falling and the endtimes are not upon us. I can't even make out what he's saying in half of these messages; all I could make out was the word "pretzel." I don't even think I wanna know.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Still Sick

I checked my email for the first time in forever. Thank you for all the notes - I do appreciate them, actually. Well, not the 147 I got from J. Munch. That was pushing it. Also, the one that played "Can't Get You Out of my Head?" Same here.

I'd like to note that Nomi's story makes me happy. Now if I could only see straight and breathe outta my nose, life would be good!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

No Lie

I have been in bed with an allergy attack for an *entire* week. This is New York! There's not supposed to be any nature to make me sick!
This is awful. If I didn't have the dvd of The Office to distract me, I don't know what I'd do.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

A Forward from Carolyn

Blame her - don't shoot the messenger.

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible , please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.