Somebody Get the Number of That Truck...

I recovered enough to go to dinner, but I've been pretty much incommunicado for a few days, I guess.

So, what'd I miss?

Eh, so I promised I'd do this list thing, and now I've fallen even FURTHER into the ex's clutches - extreme situations call for extreme measures, and she's going to take care of a "transportation issue" for me - so there's no use in not giving in now.

Anyway, when I first got hold of KD about this, her first reaction was her trademark evil laugh and asking the same thing she always does - "How drunk are you? No, wait, I don't care. You're going to put what I have to say about you in print somewhere? You're so wrong, Logan. There is a god."

"Ha, ha, you harridan. You know how much I hate quizzes."

"I know you said you'd rather lose your left one than take another test, but I had no idea you'd be willing to hand it to me."

"Maybe I'm feeling guilty that I missed your birthday."

"Pfft. I didn't miss yours, and I never got a thank-you-note."

"I'm sorry. It was a lovely voodoo doll. One of the more actively pinned ones I've ever gotten."

"I didn't send that. I was the one who sent you the Viagra and the hair dye."

"Oh. I guess I just assume anything that arrives with a note that says "Die, Mike, die" is from you."

We exchanged more pleasantries in this vein, and after several semi-hostile give-and-takes, we agreed this list with my addenda would stand.

5 Faults

1. Temper, temper, temper (And your point is?)
2. Fickle and glib (I prefer "blithe" and "bonny," thank you.)
3. Rude and Reckless, Crude and Feckless (Also, I've been drinking brew for breakfast.)
4. Commitment-phobe (Oh please, my cleaning lady begs to differ. She's been with me for years.)
5. Did I mention temper?(Now you're just pissing me off. )

10 Facts

1. Looking for stability and maturity? Peter Pan would be a better bet. (Hey, he's got it good. That Tinkerbell is pretty hot.)
2. Will probably have just made a crack about Tinkerbell. He always does. (Guilty!)
3. Look up the phrase "unrepentant, enthusiastic pervert." Notice the picture. Yep, that's him. (That's a total exaggeration. And a grainy photo, too.)
4. Causes cancer in lab rats (This is a lie. Her med student buddy had incomplete data.)
5. Will hold your hair while you barf. However, 9 times out of 10, he will then vomit into the bathtub while leaning over you. (I plead the fifth.)
6. His favorite drink used to be 7-up and cherry Vodka. He refused to even try Cherry 7-up and regular vodka. (Well, that's just disgusting, that's why.)
7. Does not look at closely at his clothes before putting them on. Once, someone substituted his workout gear with a nearly identical set from an entertainingly-named bar. It took a week and three fistfights before he realized his chest and butt said "Fruity Booties" instead of "NYPD Athletic League." (I knew she was involved in that!)
8. Three of his favorite movies are neither dirty nor in english. One is even surprisingly romantic, even if it does have Chow Yun-Fat in it. However, if you are watching it with him, beware of the inevitable cheap moves. (I resent the word "cheap.")
9. Speaking of movies, what do A Passage to India, Dances with Wolves, A Room with a View, Howard's End, Saving Private Ryan, Titanic and Run, Lola, Run all have in common? If you guessed that Mike Logan has only seen the porno version, you'd be correct! (Untrue - I saw the regular version of Run, Lola, Run.)
10. Let's make this a double-header: First, he's such a city slicker that after the only time he went camping, he panicked and went to a VD clinic over what turned out to be an unfortunately-placed poison ivy outbreak. (I don't compliment her on her perfect bitch-itude enough, do I?) Secondly, he is still known as "Closet-case" in some circles. Ask him why. (Let it die, willya? I apologized, paid for the drycleaning, and it was right next to the bathroom, after all.)

Further questions? Clarifications? I'll be right on them, after a long hot shower and a few stiff drinks to cleanse the body and mind.