From the Desk of Mike Logan

To: ADA Ron Carver
RE: Your complaint

Counselor Carver -
I am quite sorry to hear about the damage to your vehicle. We have received several complaints about vandalism in your area. Many neighborhood youths across the city apparently took advantage of the relative scarcity of detectives last night. After reviewing the security cameras from your garage, I have determined that it will be impossible to identify the perpetrator(s). Unfortunately, the tapes were accidentally completely destroyed and then fell into the sewer, so we cannot go over them again.
Your suggestion of gathering DNA from the backseat is a bit extreme, don't you think? Remember that these tests are not always conclusive, and our clerical division is quite busy at this time of year. My suggestion is that you contact your insurance company about the exterior and interior damages, lay down a few towels on the seats if you must use it, and get over it already. As for the lipsticked comments, they should come right off in the car wash.
Do not hesitate to contact me if you need any further assistance.
Det. Mike Logan

To: ADA Jack McCoy
RE: Your Message
Hi, Jack. Long time, no see. It was a nice surprise to hear your voice on my machine, sorry I was out and didn't catch your call. I was just thinking "Wow, I haven't been anywhere near Jack McCoy's house in ages. I bet I don't even remember where he lives." And then you called! You're right - it does sound kind of strange that someone who sounds a lot like me was howling at the moon behind your building at around 4am last night. And you say they yelled "Come out an' fight, ya dirty half-Scot. I'm th' Pirate-King-Under-the-Hills, come fra' Tara to kick yer ass?" How very odd!
I was stuck at the office well past that hour, reviewing a case with a colleague, as she can attest. However, I can certainly look into it for you.
Let's get together for a drink sometime. Call me!
Mike

To: Captain Donald Cragen
RE: SVU/MCS "Rumble"
Hey Cap. What can I say? I think you should tell your detectives not to tick off the ladies of Major Case. I am merely an innocent bystander in this instance. However, in the hopes of fostering inter-squad cooperation, I will be more than happy to mudwrestle Detective Benson. I'm sure Detective Eames would be happy to take another shot at Detective Stabler, but it was kind of embarrassing for your guys last time.
Mike

To: Lt. Anita Van Buren
RE: Your Message
Hey LT. I'm glad to hear from you. I really couldn't make out what you said on the voicemail. There seemed to be a lot of laughing. I heard something like "somebody else's headache" and "nice shorts" but that's about it.
Call me!
Logan

To: Captain James Deakins
RE: This Morning
As I had feared when I put in for sick leave three weeks ago, I have come down with the flu on 12/15. I will be in on Monday, bright and early.
I would like to mention that I know nothing about what happened to your files or your blotter. I think the cleaning lady is mad at you.
See you next week!
Logan

To: Bobby Goren
RE: Your apartment
Ignoring any other previous admissions of guilt, Alex says she lost your spare keys three weeks ago. Also, you're out of T.P.
Mike

UPDATE

To: Do I have to?
RE: Fine, but I don't have to like it
Dear Oversensitive Gorilla Dude Who Needs to Relax Guy Who Got Beat Up by a Chick Stabler
Without openly admitting any guilt, I am being forced to would like to say that certain members of the MCS may have rocked the casbah overstepped our bounds and done it on your table violated your privacy.
Although we think you're a dick have had some communication issues in the past, this was a lot of fun uncalled for. It was like that when we got there inexcuseable and pretty funny immature.
We are not very sorry this happened. We have only Munch Nicole Wallace Bigfoot ourselves to blame. Given the opportunity, we think you should hang onto your keys better would not do so again unless we got a chance.
Please quit buying that cheap cologne forgive us.
InSincerely,
Mike Logan and Unknown Accomplice
P.S.Your bed is lumpy Send us the bill.