When You Assume...

Well, there were a few mistaken assumptions flying about here, and it’s safe to say some of them are gone for good. We obviously arrived here at cross-purposes. I wanted to get away, and Alex wanted to open up old wounds, hers and mine. Hers, I won’t get into. I don’t give out what doesn't belong to me. But on my end...

When she said, “I know about the baby,” I almost gagged. I stifled the urge to start grilling her, to ask her how, where, who told her that...I almost accused her of going through my things, even. It turns out she’d managed to piece things together through the smallest of clues – well, there’s a surprise, right?

So we talked, the way Kate and I have been postponing talking about it since the day she said her mind was made up and she crawled out a window to get away. The only recap we’ve ever had was the goodbye note she sent me written on the slip from the clinic, and later, much later, a few jokes about the worst proposal ever. It felt odd to be talking about it with someone else, but getting most of it out helped some.

Alex really seemed to have thought about what Kate might have been going through, what she may have been afraid of. True, she didn’t know all the demons Kate had in her head, but those aren’t really my secrets to tell, are they?
My end of it, though, I could talk about. How I felt responsible, but resentful, and that’s exactly how I came across when she first told me. I could tell her how sick I was when I tried to talk to my dad about it, and he just said, “Well, I’ll guess we’ll be havin’ a wedding, then.” How, when I finally talked myself around, that I parked myself outside a locked door and practically forced Kate in the other direction than I meant to. All Alex could do was listen, really, but that’s more than I’ve let anyone do for me in all of this.

But then she asked me if I missed what I didn’t have – not in a way that implied she really wanted an answer. Like she blames Kate for me not having a gaggle of kids and someone keeping house for me. Then wasn’t the time to defend Kate, but the urge was there.
Why do people assume that’s what I wanted? I see people who have that all the time. Great. Good for them. Does it give me the occasional twinge? You bet. But do they miss being able to lock the door and disappear for a week? Or the freedom of sitting around in their underwear eating ice cream and watching porn at 3am? I would miss it. Call me selfish – lots of folks do.
I would make a lousy dad. I said it. I’m okay with that. When I realized that under the guilt and the blaming, there was that little selfish tinge of relief, I felt horrible. And then I went and did something about it. One small snip – messes with your head a wee bit, true, but saves you from ever going through that scenario again. That wasn’t Kate’s fault, not at all. I did send her the procedure slip, though. One good turn, I figured, but that's in the past now, too.

But back to here and now and the serious talk. There's still some unspoken things going on here. I mean, look at this - all at once, Alex tries to explain Kate to me, then she turns around and makes her a monster again.

You boggle the mind, Alex Eames. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were jealous of Kate.

First and foremost she was my friend. Is, no matter how weird. Nearly thirty years there, and some bad roads familiar to us both brought us together. My poor, broken Katie-girl isn’t a threat to you – she’s long gone. The ghost of the girl I loved is still hanging around, but what’s real is my strange buddy who tears through once in a while. If she were my deranged sister, would she bother you then? Does the time I spend with Munch bug you?

I mean, am I the crazy one here? You’re so close to Bobby Goren, and I let that go by. You fuss over him, you listen to him, you spend time with him – and I don’t mind. It never occurred to me to do that. If you wanted him, why would you come to me?

I guess I should be more insecure about your husband. I didn’t give him much thought, that’s true. I don’t worry about measuring up to him, because I’m not him, and I never will be. Of course, I didn’t really think I’d be in this position, but I wasn’t thinking I was second-best. Just later, that’s all, because life takes you places you hadn’t planned on.

Is that what you think? That you’re a second choice? You came next, that’s all. It can’t be helped. There were plenty of others who didn’t matter between then and now, but here you are, and suddenly you do.
How could you think you were second? One month, that’s all, and here I am with you, with the serious talk, and I’m listening because it’s important to you, and you’re important to me in a way I hadn’t expected.

Well, what do you want, Alex? I’ve given you what I have, and I don’t know where to go from here...maybe you should tell me, or maybe I should just ask.

It took half the time
I am still afraid
So stay by my side
And hold on to my hand
Try to teach me that
I'm all right, I guess
But there's so much wrong
But there's so much right
I guess we'll agree
To differ on one thing

So we need to talk more, I suppose, in the morning, and if you don’t start, I guess I will.