Things You Learn from Interrogating Perps

1) The act of surpise is your friend. Do say, "What? Disgusting! That's....that's...." *stare in shock and horror*
Do NOT say, "Crap. I already have Intercourse With The Vampire and Robin's Wood."

2) Look directly at the evidence. Flinch a little, but do not stare in fascination. Even if you notice the title of one, say, Whore Of The Rings, is different than you'd heard. Perhaps there is another version called Lord of the G-strings, or maybe you heard wrong. Now is not the time to ponder this.

3) Deny and stick with it. Intimate that you have no idea why anyone would ever think you would be remotely interested in Splendor in the Ass or What Lies Beneath Me. Even if someone somewhere remembers you complaining about how hard it is to find copies of American Booty or Backend to the Future, it's only hearsay.

4) Do not volunteer info. Your current inamorata does not want to hear about how you & the ex used to get wasted and stumble down to Times Square to find the sleaziest movies ever and heckle them loudly, and whoa, that was fun. Nu-uh. For some reason, they will take this as either a criticism of them, or an admission that you are a degenerate, or both. Oh, they'll make assumptions anyway, and you may get asked, but for pity's sake, don't jump forward with it.

5) Someone is going down for this. It doesn't have to be you, at least figuratively. Literally, it may get you off the hook, or at least delay things a little. Meanwhile, most are willing to beleive that the ex is a thoroughly bizarre, reasonless creature. Again, not the time to discuss it. The person doing the interrogating wants answers, and there are right ones and wrong ones. "What a crazy b*%@h" is a right one. "I think some of those were freebies" is a wrong one.

Oh, and I really do watch them for the dialogue. I swear.

P.S. Alex neglected to mention that she let me turn on Muffy The Vampire Layer just to see "how bad that can be." (Answer: Pretty bad.)
Wonderland, on the other hand, does a pretty good job of passing itself off as an art film. You know what the difference is between porn and erotica? Lighting.

P.P.S. Figured out what was up with Onion Planet. First off, it's a very funny Harold and Kumar in-joke, and secondly, well, that's none of your business. You can look it up if you're that curious...